Have you ever been in a place of obedience, but you didn't know why you were supposed to be there? And because you really didn't know what was happening in your life you really didn't know how to answer all the questions?
Every time someone asks me about my jobless status, I freeze. People ask, "Did you retire?" Awkward me, "Well, no, I'm too young to retire." Not satisfied they probe, "So, what are you going to do?" Me feeling cornered, "I'm learning to be still... to be quiet. I'm doing what I think God has called me to do... be still."
That answer usually doesn't satisfy either. So, usually, I wind up telling curious observers that I really don't have any solid answers at the moment and I will keep them posted. I smile and move on feeling quite exposed.
It's awkward living in this middle ground. Referencing back to the Israelites of Exodus, I'm no longer a slave in Egypt, but I've not made it to the promised land either. I imagine this place in my life might feel a bit like what the Israelites felt as they walked through the middle of the Jordan River on dry land. It's just plain weird!
How does one explain this place?
Being still (for me) takes some effort. At first, it has felt a bit like I remember time-out in my room, alone as a child. Yes, it has initially felt like punishment. No, I know my Father, God, is not punishing me. In fact, Father has been reminding me as He's met with me during these days of August of the times I required my two sons to take a quiet time during the day.
One son welcomed the extra sleep during the day. The other refused to nap during the day (from birth) and initially argued with me all the way to his room. I think he felt punished, but eventually realized he could spend that time creating according to his extensive imagination without interruption. Many times when I opened his door at the end of quiet time he was so involved in creating he never even noticed he was free to go.
Like this one son, I've decided to stop arguing with God and have seen the possibilities for growth, for creating, and a welcome space for the uninterrupted imagination of new things to come. He's captivated my heart during these most recent days. He's got my full attention!